Monday, April 04, 2011
690th. @ 3:20 AM
I feel highly disgusted of myself. I abhor it. Perhaps too strong a word to use.
Suddenly, my world becomes dimmer. I am tired. Listless. Weary. I don't know why and how.
Sometimes optimistic strikes me, positive thoughts like.
I know why my best friends would care, because we love one and other, we belong to part of each other's life, that's why we are concerned, we truely care, and we know/understand/compromise/embrace the other.
And sometimes, i contradict myself like; to die is the easiest way humans take, because they rid of their responsibilities by doing so. The easiest way to escape without bearing the consequences, except of death towards oneself. Well, which i won't. Heaven forbids.
Some times i count myself lucky still. Looking at the beauty that still remains. But sometimes i can't bear to not look back to see how blissful i was then. I wonder what happened. Bonds, friends, changes, smiles, laughters, tears the times together. People have photographic memory, they just forgot the films. Quoted from tumblr. :)
I don't understand how somehow that people also does judgments. And it's a positive social endowment. Weird? I really have no idea what's going to be like, if i am going to alter myself further. Living in such pain where hiding and being extrovert isn't a choice anymore.
Some times i wonder if i ever existed. When i speak, no one cares of. They hardly heard it. Their ears shut by it. People could repeat my words, and didn't know they did. I really thought i was invisible then. Keeping silence would save much. Yeah, i prolly shouldn't waste much. The wanting and the effort to be noticed. Is too tedious. I am really lazy.
I should just stick to being aloof. Perhaps not. Perhaps i should stop caring too much, and that means an alteration to myself again.
I speak of shallowness now.
If one day i disintegrate. Who will be the one placing soft toys at my grave, sending postcards to me card-boxes, and wearing my bangles thinking of me?
Signing off -suie.