Wednesday, September 21, 2011
It's getting a little. @ 10:21 AM
A little bit about today. I will start from the end then to the start.
Ended the day with lots of questions/thinking in my mind. Like, oh. People really do have the impression of me being superduper busy.
Is like an imprint. I have to admit that yeah, my nights are taken. But my afternoons are often free.
I know it might seem pointless even to have that pointed out.
Met Hammie, great time. Love her. :)
she was working earlier on, which i know how much rest time she sacrifices. aww. Sweet.
while she was making her way down/working. the three of us went for 'johnny english'. I had this mini surprise for Van and arran. I hope they liked it and frankly, im worried that _____ wasn't comfortable with me the entire day. I could feel that if it was just me and him, he would not bother (As cold as was he's reply, as much i feel him hating me, tensing up inside).
In my heart i was like: " It's really sad, as he stands a huge space in my life, and well have been in my life for freaking 12 years. "
I don't even know if you bother with how i feel now.
I am really just finding this hard to let go.
Suie. You can do it. :)
The morning was good, because despite that i wanted to sleep in more, i went out for a walk to grab my brunch. I was really hoping that i was with you. Waiting for your reply, but it came more skeptical than ever. Even picking up my calls seem like a drag to you.
In my heart iwl: "I don't want to be fake in-front of you, so i'm not going to try so hard to act cheery." (It doesn't mean i am faking cheery all the time, is just that when i get rejected i don't want to try so super hard to make some one feel perked in meeting me/conversing/be with me)
(immature) : "I know how it might be, it would be my fault entirely huh? Ever heard about it takes two hands to clap, and i made the effort. I am not saying just so that i redeem myself or what evilee perspective you have/had of me. I am a bimbo probably, yet i could feel you tensing. I wanted to cry then, its like we are judging whether to pull each other out of our hearts. Or rather you already did and you want the place you had in my heart to be given to someone else."
Since, hanging out with me, you said words like, "she forever one. / oh, she starting liao / She pull stunt again" Means, i probably am not the kind of girl you guys think i am now.
I am not fake you know, i am not two-faced. I am a simpleton, who appreciates what i have. Even though maybe by living the moment i don't cherish people the same as much as my moments in life, but i know i have been naive enough, so much that i thought i will always have you by my side yet, you drifted away so silently, or have i been too oblivious about it. Why can't you guys be honest/candid about it. Don't have to hide the truth from me.
If you wanna leave do it like that woman(Though she didn't really did it, as i was the one who confronted and it was ugly. But i got the point and, i cried and let go.
). And tell me about it. At least i know, and whatever happens to me, whatever i do to forget you guys. You guys don't even have to hear about it.
Maybe i will be left standing alone, but this is one of the consequences i have to face of my decisions/choices and to be strong. Is like why won't anyone ask the strong ones how they manage to do it? Inside we are bleeding so terribly, that we became vampires and bleed no more. Our cracks heal up, and when there is a stepping stone, we dive in for the bite. That's the world now isn't it.
Enough of these thoughts. It's getting overwhelming. DIARY!