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" Sometimes it is those that you do not really know that make you feel best. "

Really?

I feel myself being weighed down by almost anything, That i am hallucinating that everything is out of control, or was it already?

Even how much i try, unconsciously i am giving up. Like literally.

I need intimacy, not in the quirky way, but somehow of the heart, the comfort?

But really, do i really even register those words of comfort/advices when i know its something that i can even tell myself of.

Contradicting or?

Let me start from the very beginning.

Had a fantastic start with Carmen, going about, hanging around together for the whole day, i felt really happy. I wonder if she felt so too. Night came by and we settled, following was a surprise which she hinted and i got it, but still am speechless, because of the people that made it so.

That was when i knew i was getting out of control. My Emotional quotient getting low, i turned everyone down. I couldn't find the reason, or any way to stop myself. How, and why did i get to that, i didn't knew. No one did, Assumptions began to be every ones' best choice.

The only thing that got stuck in my mind, was the number people that came and the same amount that left. I wonder, am i really that bad.

The day then came, Birth date of 2010, i had a lovely day with one in my heart and two by my side, i thought, nothing can go wrong? I was so happie, filled with hope, but heartening things happened, who knows it would. I thought i was the center, but i was wrong.

Evening came and i saw her face, really, it was always her in the crowds that calmed me down, gave me that extra push when i needed it the most.

We ordered, as i received cards and such.

I am really happie as i read the cards. They were thoughtfully made, written, covered and drawn. Tears dripped on the every card i received and read.

Quantity was something, Quality was even more than what i could have produced.

Everything ended with cake and i am honored, a speech from kishen. Valedictorian of my secondary school.

I am very thankful for him, as much as he said he was thankful for me. :) He took care of me, and literally playmate of mine through secondary school. I love him too, as much as the memory we shared between us.

But i wondered even more through his speech. Really?

More picture taking and chitchatting, it settled with just some old friends and laughter. Got home and hit the sack. As i rolled, thoughts run through my mind faster than i could say 'what?'

I really couldn't stop and think, and it was then tears started to run, as fast as how i hoped i could to escape.

Sometimes i wished i could disappear, somewhere far, somewhere near.

I totally forgot what was next, except that i had a screwed up dental appointment and an awesome dance practice. :)

Then come along some screwed up schedules, bad arrangements and handling of mine. Everything was such a blur, i even forgot what i did, or perhaps i have becoming sucha coward, that i finally choose to escape.

Too much responsibility bearing me down, too much humans to account to. Everything is simply overwhelming, too much to handle.

Yet i really wish they would come to me, for it is an act of love, trust, believe and whatever i could think of support and reliance.

Understanding is over-rated. So is compassion and compromise.

Wednesday brought me to another level of dependency. I realize how much i was taken care of, and the amount of things i could do. {Just like how much the amount of things and effect every other individuals can do and afflict}

Had a real fast shopping trip, that's when i realize i have to be someone that i can stand alone, and depend on myself when all else fails. And most importantly, i am really shagged out. Such that, i am almost drained, really almost exhaust. Time-stop, does it really happen?

JOKE.

Yet on the same day, i see how a person is able to show such consideration to others and how efficient she could handle things and people around her.

Thursday, I saw how people react differently as well as act differently with different people and when placed at different situation and circumstances. I see how the little things affect people and their emotions. I comprehend, not fully but to a certain level, how people enjoy the little things in life and how much they take to make the next move in their game of life.

But your smile was all i need, and it assured me for sure. :)

Just before i go on, i see that i left out Tuesday, maybe when i am so emotional, i actually left the best part out? tsk. I said MAYBE.

I understood how forgiveness works and for sure, forgetting isn't part of it. I see how people turn cold in one night/day. I see how humans work in every way. I used to ignore it, but now its turning on me, haunting me.

Banal was the word the person brought to me. Not what the person does, but how she is to me. We are banal. But at the same time how not we were.

Night fall while i rushed through the many things in life, i calmed and saw his face. Never have i fantasized about him, not that i do to every other. But he is the one that i would say friends forever, or rather, friends that has no time limit at all. :) Dinner, was awesome, but food wasn't the reason, the company was.

Even awkwardness come, silence arrived, we overcame it. :)

We realized how much time we've lost, and how much we once cherished it, how much we enjoyed it, how much we teared and sacrificed, every single bit.

Photos of a thousand million and trillion alpha.

Friday marks the day where i meet newer people and newer experience, and the fact that, 'No' has never been in my dictionary. Not at the least in the snobbish way though.

I watched how blunt the world was, wait, i meant deviant? or was it abhorrent. I think it was brutal.

And freaks, look up for the words in your search engines before using.

Zealous and jealous was never in my dictionary, or maybe it was once, when i was last in anything {more than 40% of me} pink.

Dinner at burger king, It is contradicting how someone like me at times craves and crashes through the gates for fast-food and how much i dislike it otherwise. :)

Had a quick chat, which then i realized i am so over the period where you take time, real quality and quantity time, to know someone, to be their friend, rather then hearing cold hard facts formed by mouth of humans and not felt and seen from the heart.

I felt Really lonely at a point of time, not literally lonely lonely but heartfelt lonely, because i get to stop. I realized i had this time, alone, and only with the presence of God. I walked and walked in circles, waiting for someone to take my time and space.

And what contradicts was, i am currently reading a book on self. Like really, self. Titled purity.

Got myself a cup of Starbucks and comfort food. Didn't finished all, for i am not that dumb yet. But really, if i am to this state, i was really dumb for awhile. Bimbo-tic even.

I seek myself in peoples' face, their views, expectations and needs/wants. But really, whoever asked about mine? Yes, a few did, and those were those that i carved into my heart which i am gladly to even die for. If not give up anything more.

Tomorrow is a day, where i do nothing but something i know ought to enjoy while i may sit back to think a bit about whats occupying my life and whats those that i have neglected. My priorities, principles, my views, virtues and values. I Should find them back, otherwise i shouldn't even live. Or maybe i could still?

I've changed, so some felt. Or hey so she's like this, maybe some thought. But anyway, just so you know, don't judge me like you knew me, don't speak to me like you know me, and don't treat me like you understood me. For all you know, all these years it was ___ between, and nothing else more.

Yes, i am and i could indeed be mean. Meaner than what you would expect, Not near could, but what was the cause. Remember?

I value people in the heart, i am not yet that expressive, so you know. I tried my best to be, but it wasn't enough. I am alone, an individual, maybe you can pray for more like me, which i know there might be. I am not saying that i am of something else, i am just a girl-next-door{plentiful}. I have never been arrogant, maybe at times wrong in the usage of tones and words, clear of conscientious, but sadly to say i finally have something to regret. Was the night where i lied to the best sister of mine. Michelle.

In this eighteenth year of mine, i have indeed done many of my first time(s). But some which i thought i really would not want to do.

Yes, heavens or fate really mattered. But so do your own choices, some a time i contradict. I thought everyone has a choice, but maybe it does take a lot of effort and courage to do so. Sadly i have labelled myself as a coward upfront in many situations. I failed terribly and miserably this year. I wonder how pathetic i must have looked, even now.

Now i see that i am definitely putting myself down, in the simplest of words i conjure. Not hurting at the least to others. And obviously targeting myself at every point.

Heck, do anyone even manage to get through the above and reading this? Or you have just skipped the whole chunk?

whatever.

I need time to brush up my vocab. And grammar before i forgot. What about spellings? :)

I want laughter(s) till the sun goes down, and enjoyment till the sun goes up.

Becoming was something, what about staying?

Some one said this to me, you haven even tried.

Really?

When you thought you did, some one said you haven even. Then you see that you have one large gap to fill, one more step to take, another challenge to complete, and another journey to began.

Right, too naggy. Getting to the point was hard. Harsh was easy, and well. I am always beating around the bush i heard. What else is new?

Leaving.

With pretty much what i left,

suie.

No p/s this time? :)